Daniel 6

I can't tell you how many times I've looked at these Verses. Every child who is raised in the church knows this story of the brave Daniel who defied the King, worshiped God and then was spared by God's grace when he was sent to the lion's den. It's a great story but it wasn't until I did devotions today that I saw a bigger picture of it all. It wasn't my own moment of clarity, though I wish I could tell you it was, it's from one of Beth Moore's books but has a HUGE moment of clarity for me!

First ready Daniel 6, it's a good story and a good read. I read it over Vacation Bible School this year and now again today, both times seeing the story I had heard a million times and nothing more. What else could I possibly get from this story?? MAN I am so thankful God showed me more!! Beth Moore has 4 amazing points about this story but only one is what I want to tell you about.

Beth Moore points out that Daniel was already in the habit of prayer.... think about that for a minute.... he was in the habit of doing it already. If his life looked anything like mine (since I am a mom and he wasn't I doubt it did but play along for a minute) this meant he had to wake up before the kids did, he had to schedule in some time to spend with God, he had to schedule his 30 or however minutes a day to take a break so the kids (or people he worked with) knew he shouldn't be bothered during that time. I find this one hard! My life goes full speed all the time, 4 kids, a husband and everything else inbetween and God just isn't loud enough sometimes to get noticed. I can't tell you how much I need to do this though. I always try to treat God like my marriage, be intentional in all things. I forget sometimes how I have to stop and get on my knees to spend time with him. It's so easy to forget it!  If I didn't do this with my husband my marriage would be over fast, he wouldn't feel like a priority, he wouldn't feel respected, he wouldn't feel loved.

I can't have a "911 relationship" with God as Beth Moore calls it. God needs to know my voice, my desires, we need to talk so then when something come along we aren't in a hurry to get through to the "God hurry, this is kind of a pressing issue" part. I would hate to have that relationship with someone, to just be the person they call to fix all their problems (besides my kids cause I can hear them calling "MOoooOM" now, one of them took a toy from the other I am sure). God would still help us, like I am still willing to help my kids, but he could do so much more in our lives if he heard from me every day, all the time, without end.

I want this relationship with God, the kind where God knows my voice because I talk to him all the time. I fail at this though, I fail at it for so many reasons and none of them are good ones. So tomorrow, I am going to wake up early, I am going to find a silent spot and I am going to give him time. I am going to put reminders out for myself so that I can be purposeful in our relationship, God's and mine. I am going to start letting him get used to my voice. Don't get me wrong, I know its not going to be easy and just like with my husband there will be times I don't want to talk to God but I am going to try.

Movies...

I watched Schindlers list today for the.... well honestly uncountable number of times. I am always amazed with the power of that one man, what an amazing man who did amazing things!! Today though I was impressed with something else. What amazing women the Nazi party had, I know it's a strange thing to think about but in College I took a class called Women in Nazi History and I learned so much!!

While Hitler was in prison writing his insane book Nein Kompf the men that had previously followed him walked away and it was the women who continued to follow him and bring other men into the beliefs! HOW POWERFUL WERE THEY!!! IF they were that powerful think about how much more powerful we can be. I am not sure if they realized what they were signing up for, I want to think that they didn't really have a clue but that would be silly of me (I like to think the best in people a lot of the times). Even if they did know they had amazing power, do you think they felt powerful? Do you think they felt like me most of the time, just a stay at home mom who makes lunches for her kids and tries to save a penny every way she can?

I hardly ever feel powerful. I am a mom of 4 kids, going through my 2 custody battle with an ex-husband and my husband jobs takes us places we might not want to go, not to mention the army can make you feel pretty powerless over your own life sometimes! I rarely feel like I impact much outside of my trash can which has to be impacted by the stink that comes from my kids  diapers/wipes. I question my job skills all the time, if I am a good cook, if I am really doing right by my kids, if I am spending enough quality time with my husband, if God even picked the right kids for me because they are way to amazing to be mine! Ever day I feel weak, but these women who didn't know their power, started one of the most powerful things this world had ever seen. We as women have that power, daily we have the power to build up the world or take it down! The power of our words, of our actions, of my simple ability to smile or say sorry.... these are life changing things for someone!!

I am powerful, I am beautiful and I am amazing! Not because the Nazi women were but because my God made me to be all of these things and the devil told me I wasn't so I believe him over my God. How silly of me, to let the king of lies tell me more lies, daily lies, daily tear me down!! Today, I am taking my power back (no Dad that doesn't mean the remote control though that's what you call it) and I am deciding to believe and put faith in myself and my God. If you are reading this and feel the same way as I have, I have a beautiful book for you to read (I have read it once and still forget everything I learned from it, yeah I am bull headed!) it's called Captivating, cause God finds us Captivating!

God would have made a sunset even if you were the only one there to look at it, just to share the beauty with you cause he finds you that amazing, cause he believes and loves you that much! You are powerful ladies, powerful and beautiful and CAPTIVATING!!! Tomorrow I am going to wake up and remind myself of that, I will try to remind myself every day after. When I forget though, God will throw something in my way to remind me I am sure cause I am his!!

Valentines!!

Today is Valentines day and I am excited!!!!!!! Just look at all the exclamation points, how could I not be excited!!

Seriously I love Valentines day but I have kids so making there day awesome is so much fun! I sucked at it this morning though!! My kindergartener didn't want to look for her stockings for her school uniform and REFUSED to get ready. Of course like any self respected mother I kept calm and dealt with the situation with grace..... NOT!!! I was so angry!! She refused to look for her stockings (which I found directly in front of her when I went to go look) and refused to look for her skirt (which I found on her 7 year old sister, don't ask why I have no clue and didn't want to ask her myself!). I had made a really cute breakfast of strawberry syrup and greek yogurt for them and they couldn't even enjoy it cause some little person refuses to find her clothes.

I am not sure how she was supposed to find them on her sister if I am honest, it makes no sense and I know that, but still she needed to act like an adult and.... yep that was my mistake. My poor 5 year old beautiful little girl isn't an adult, heaven knows I never want her to be. Such a mom fail morning!! Good news is we recovered and had a nice little walk to school, of course Mommy said sorry and my baby said she loved me and would lay her clothes out tonight like she is supposed to. *sigh*

The rest of our day will be so much better!! We have 2 school parties to go to and of course the kids (all 4 I am sure) will consume way to much sugar from the school and love every second of it! How can anyone not love valentines day when they have kids? I try to do things every day to show my kids they are special but today.... it's all about my babies!! My husband of course will get presents too but he is grown up and we had date night last weekend thanks to an amazing neighbor who loves on our kids and would watch them in a heart beat for us!

So Happy Valentines Day, I hope your morning was better then mine and that your evening is just as good if not better!!

It's been a while since I have done the blogging thing, I don't know it's one of those times in my life when I think "Why does anyone really need to hear the horrid things I am going through!" I am sure there is a reason for all of this. Maybe it's to tell people or maybe it's just to learn my lesson and go from there. I am banking on the fact that all of this isn't just because it sounds like a fun lesson, it's gotta be right?!?

So, my amazing husband (who on a regular basis I take for granted) is leaving on March 3rd to go ahead of us and be at our new duty station. GA here we come, maybe. The problem is, I have 2 girls from a previous marriage and I have to petition the courts to take them with me because their dad wont just let them go. Their dad, who I know has every right in the world to say he doesn't want his kids to move, is an every other weekend dad. The girls teachers have never heard from him, they thought my husband was their dad since both of them call him dad and their bio dad they call Josh, he has never showed up to a dance class, a dr's apt or anything at all unless he can show them off like dance recitals (not even our daughters preschool graduation). He doesn't call them during the week or the weekend he doesn't have them, they will go almost 2 weeks without a word until they see him again. So, because of me having to go to the courts, we have something called a PRE who is looking into our lives and will decide where the girls go. I am nervous, ever so nervous! I had no idea I could be so insecure about how I am as a mom until the PRE came around.

I have literally questioned everything I do since this lady came into the picture. Am I doing the right thing by sending them lunch to school? should I even be letting them buy lunch from school? Are they dressed warm enough even though they have hats, gloves a 3 in 1 coat, pants, snow boots and a scarf? My 5 year old is gluten intolerant and am I doing the right thing by doing her food this way, I mean you can't really diagnosis the problem and her dad always feeds her gluten cause he thinks it's something I make up. Am I to protective? Not protective enough? Should they be folding their own laundry? do we have to make choirs? I had no idea that one person coming into my life like this could make it so confusing and make me feel so lost!

What I have discovered though is that if this person can't see everything I do for my kids then they aren't looking hard enough. I live and breath for my babies, from early in the morning when they wake to doing exercise (like dancing) that they can do with me so it's a fun activity, dance class and even crossing guard at school so I know they are safe. They are my life and without them I would be lost. I am the most amazing mom I know how to be and that is good enough, it's what God has called me to be and what my kids demand of me. I fail every day but at least I learn, get back up and admit that I am not perfect.

It's kinda funny, I am sitting her typing all of this in tears. It's ok, they are healing. I don't like not knowing what will happen but at least I know it's not really up to this lady to decide. My God is so big and he knows what will happen and has a perfect plan in place for it to work out for his favor. Now if I can just remember that every day I would be better off!

Bible Study

Recently I started a bible study for some of the military wives that I have been blessed enough to meet. It was hard for me and I will readily admit it took me a few months to become obedient to God in this. I am not sure that I was scared as much as it was "God when I find the time to do the laundry I will find time to do the bible study." So here I am with my laundry still undone but doing a bible study. It scared the crud outta me as of late because of the spiritually attacks that have some to some of the ladies in the group and even outta the group. BUT today I was so encouraged to see how God used our little group and even me (without having to spit me outta the belly of a big fish to get me here). With her permission I am going to share what one of the ladies in the group wrote. We will call her C. She has had a rough go of it lately and here's what she had to say

A   "After 6.5 years of a roller coaster marriage my husband and I had finally reached a breaking point. Trust had been broken, hurtful words have been said and finally we reached the point of divorce. He is currently deployed and told me that he didn’t think that we should continue on in our marriage. I was devastated to say the least. I had amazing friends and family to turn to but I felt so alone. I decided it was time to get back to my roots and crack open the Bible. After a few days my husband came around but it still wasn’t an overly loving situation. That lasted about a week and then it was back to “I want a divorce”. I was just not able to accept that answer and I prayed and prayed and had friends pray and I let him know that I was going to stand by him no matter what. I emailed him and told him that I would give him his space and to know that I was here supporting him and remaining a faithful wife while he figured himself out. I had turned it all over to God, there was nothing else I could do. Every time I wanted to write him a frantic email begging him to just take back those words I prayed instead. I told God to let me know what he wanted me to do. I would wait it out and the urge to email and it would go away. He finally responded to my email and his words gave me some hope but still not enough to shake the hurt I had. I was then urged to go to a Bible study that is lead by an awesome friend (Jessica!), I cried and she hugged me and reassured me. Then we prayed some more. After the Bible study was over I stopped by to see my husband’s Chaplain. He was walking out of the building as I was walking in; I believe God set it so we would meet. I left that meeting in tears and I knew it had to get better. I came home and prayed some more (at this point I’m starting to think God must be getting sick of me! Haha). I took a nap and rolled over just in time to see my husband on Facebook. It started out in a weird state as he said our only contact was going to be via email. The devil is working in him as he asked me what was with all the religious “crap” as I had told him to pray in the email I sent and I had just went to Bible study. However, as the conversation progressed he came around. I told him that I would be here waiting for him for as long as it took. He said he knew and asked what would happen if it took years, I said I would never give up on you or us. FOREVER you're my best friend. He then responded with the best thing I could have ever read in my life… “Okay good, cause even when it seems I am, I wouldn’t either.” You’re my best friend too.  Now, I’m smart enough to know that the battle isn’t over and that we’ve got a long way to go but that sure beats the “D” word. I give all the thanks go God, and my friends who were willing to pray and comfort me and told me over and over to just give it to God. There really is power in prayer."

     Yay for what God can do.... I am so excited to see how he uses our small little group

Prayer

Dear God I am standing here, ok really sitting, and watching things happen around me wondering what is going on. I see where I am supposed to be and I am trusting that you have the path stretched out in front of me like you have always had but I am tired. I took the leap I was supposed to in all of this, and by this I mean I started a bible study but why in the world does it seem that every single one of us has the same problem right now? My life isn't my own and I am trying to remember that you have given me all of this to glorify you just HELP. What are you doing? Are you sure you have the right person for all of this? Help me be strong, help me be what only you can make me in all of this, help me be your tool, help only your light shine through me and whatever happens let only you be glorified!!

AAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH

It's late at night and my husband is still at work, my kids cut their hair today so I had to fix it and it's short now (both of them), I still have to do the dishes, patch a hole in the yard and clean the carpet one more time after it got stained. I keep praying that God will get me through it all and the good news is everyone is still alive!!! So my new prayer is "God be with my children, help us have peaceful day full of play and fun. Help us get along and please help the day just go smoothly." Sometimes I wonder why my parents never told me there would be days like this and then I remember that even if that had told me I was already pregnant AND didn't listen to them anyways. I just need a lifeline but I know that God knows that so I am just praying mine comes fast!

Just pray that tomorrow the sun comes up again and goes down with everyone still alive!!