Bible Study

Recently I started a bible study for some of the military wives that I have been blessed enough to meet. It was hard for me and I will readily admit it took me a few months to become obedient to God in this. I am not sure that I was scared as much as it was "God when I find the time to do the laundry I will find time to do the bible study." So here I am with my laundry still undone but doing a bible study. It scared the crud outta me as of late because of the spiritually attacks that have some to some of the ladies in the group and even outta the group. BUT today I was so encouraged to see how God used our little group and even me (without having to spit me outta the belly of a big fish to get me here). With her permission I am going to share what one of the ladies in the group wrote. We will call her C. She has had a rough go of it lately and here's what she had to say

A   "After 6.5 years of a roller coaster marriage my husband and I had finally reached a breaking point. Trust had been broken, hurtful words have been said and finally we reached the point of divorce. He is currently deployed and told me that he didn’t think that we should continue on in our marriage. I was devastated to say the least. I had amazing friends and family to turn to but I felt so alone. I decided it was time to get back to my roots and crack open the Bible. After a few days my husband came around but it still wasn’t an overly loving situation. That lasted about a week and then it was back to “I want a divorce”. I was just not able to accept that answer and I prayed and prayed and had friends pray and I let him know that I was going to stand by him no matter what. I emailed him and told him that I would give him his space and to know that I was here supporting him and remaining a faithful wife while he figured himself out. I had turned it all over to God, there was nothing else I could do. Every time I wanted to write him a frantic email begging him to just take back those words I prayed instead. I told God to let me know what he wanted me to do. I would wait it out and the urge to email and it would go away. He finally responded to my email and his words gave me some hope but still not enough to shake the hurt I had. I was then urged to go to a Bible study that is lead by an awesome friend (Jessica!), I cried and she hugged me and reassured me. Then we prayed some more. After the Bible study was over I stopped by to see my husband’s Chaplain. He was walking out of the building as I was walking in; I believe God set it so we would meet. I left that meeting in tears and I knew it had to get better. I came home and prayed some more (at this point I’m starting to think God must be getting sick of me! Haha). I took a nap and rolled over just in time to see my husband on Facebook. It started out in a weird state as he said our only contact was going to be via email. The devil is working in him as he asked me what was with all the religious “crap” as I had told him to pray in the email I sent and I had just went to Bible study. However, as the conversation progressed he came around. I told him that I would be here waiting for him for as long as it took. He said he knew and asked what would happen if it took years, I said I would never give up on you or us. FOREVER you're my best friend. He then responded with the best thing I could have ever read in my life… “Okay good, cause even when it seems I am, I wouldn’t either.” You’re my best friend too.  Now, I’m smart enough to know that the battle isn’t over and that we’ve got a long way to go but that sure beats the “D” word. I give all the thanks go God, and my friends who were willing to pray and comfort me and told me over and over to just give it to God. There really is power in prayer."

     Yay for what God can do.... I am so excited to see how he uses our small little group

Prayer

Dear God I am standing here, ok really sitting, and watching things happen around me wondering what is going on. I see where I am supposed to be and I am trusting that you have the path stretched out in front of me like you have always had but I am tired. I took the leap I was supposed to in all of this, and by this I mean I started a bible study but why in the world does it seem that every single one of us has the same problem right now? My life isn't my own and I am trying to remember that you have given me all of this to glorify you just HELP. What are you doing? Are you sure you have the right person for all of this? Help me be strong, help me be what only you can make me in all of this, help me be your tool, help only your light shine through me and whatever happens let only you be glorified!!

AAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH

It's late at night and my husband is still at work, my kids cut their hair today so I had to fix it and it's short now (both of them), I still have to do the dishes, patch a hole in the yard and clean the carpet one more time after it got stained. I keep praying that God will get me through it all and the good news is everyone is still alive!!! So my new prayer is "God be with my children, help us have peaceful day full of play and fun. Help us get along and please help the day just go smoothly." Sometimes I wonder why my parents never told me there would be days like this and then I remember that even if that had told me I was already pregnant AND didn't listen to them anyways. I just need a lifeline but I know that God knows that so I am just praying mine comes fast!

Just pray that tomorrow the sun comes up again and goes down with everyone still alive!!

ahhh the good ole days...

I think maybe we all have those things, you know that thing that you used to do that you LOVED that now for whatever reason you don't do anymore. Nope we might not have been amazing at it but we sure did feel free when we did it. *sigh* for me (and apparently Catlin lol) it's Viola and I also miss Volleyball. Nope I wasn't the best at either one but they made me feel... well.... not sure how to put it.... besides.... amazing!! Sitting here listening to pieces of music that my friend Caleb used to goof around with or going back to the piece he loved to play or just hearing someone from back then calling me Jurassica (long story for a different day lol) takes me back. But I guess it's not just the action if I am honest about it. I mean playing the viola was amazing and I loved it but I learned really fast that it was the group of people I was playing with that meant more. We kinda were like a small little tight clique and family. Though some of us had been that way longer then we had played in Orchestra together. Watching my best friend in pain, begging to stay till a certain class and walking her back to her house cause she could barely stand, being there when we went on Orchestra trips and just acted plan retarded, seeing Eric (one of our cello players) play a kazoo like a stuck up snob while he was laughing on the inside the whole time!!

So maybe what I miss is the people, I mean playing alone in my room doesn't come to close to being no that stage playing with all those people!! In those moments when we were playing, we were the most amazing in our own little worlds and that was all that mattered!! Ahhhh to have moments like that again, or maybe I am just not looking for moments like that anymore? Who knows but when Kalina, Austyn, Tommy or the new little one get up there and are on stage or playing a sport, I am sure it will be really similar!!

"Mommy is Tommy Born"

My 3 year old is full of questions this morning, most days the questions don't start till after about 11 but today they started early. She is curious about how the baby is going to be coming out of my tummy, how did Tommy come out, did it hurt, are you ok, will this one hurt, do babies always talk like Tommy, do people all start out small, if everyone starts out small why do some people think they are better, what does being better mean Mommy, do mean people start out as cute as Tommy..... They are coming out a mile a minute without pausing.

I think it's kinda cute some of the ones she is asking, some of them are pretty amazing! "Do mean people start out as cute as Tommy" WOW really? How did you come up with that? The honest answer is no because Tommy is my son and no one is cuter then him but really, yes they did start just as cute and someone hurt them so bad or treated them so bad that they became mean. I have no idea how my daughter became so smart cause the next question she asked was "Mommy do you pray that God will help them heal their mean parts?" Ummmm, no I don't but I guess I can start seeing as that is a very amazingly simple thing I never thought of doing before.

So in my prayer journal I will now add "mean people who used to be as cute as Tommy" to my list and my 3 year old said she would like to pray for "mean people who never got a chance to be cute" MAN I love that little girl, what a smart smart baby God has given me!!

P.S. yes Tommy is born lol

My kids...

They are so beautiful and I am not sure what I would ever do without them and pray I never have to find out! Each of them is so different and amazing, they learn differently, talk differently, think different things are cool yet are so similar it makes me laugh. They all look a like, though Austyn has blonde hair Kalina has brown hair and I think Tommy will have red hair. Seeing all of the difference's in my babies just makes me even more curious to see what this little man or lady will look like. Will the baby have blue eyes? will the baby be blonde like Austyn or will it be a brown haired little person. Will it like sports? Will it be as calm as Tommy or High strung like Austyn.... I am not sure how people don't get excited about all of this, I have had plenty of babies and I still can hardly contain myself with excitement as this one gets stronger every day. Tom can see the baby moving now and it's all so exciting.

Come on little one, mommy wants to hold you so badly and you have no idea how excited your sisters are to see you. They ask every day about you and when you will be done playing in mommy's belly. They are so protective of you too, you should see how they keep people away from my belly because they want you healthy! Your family is waiting with open arms to see you, we want to love you and hold you. Can't wait till November!!!!

I am having so much fun now!!

At first when the Dr told me that my daughter was allergic to Gluten and I needed to try to get her off of it to see if it was the case or not I was so scared. WHAT THE HECK IS GLUTEN AND HOW DO I TAKE IT OUT OF HER DIET ANYWAYS!!! It's in everything it amazes me! I had no clue what it was or why it was in our food or how I was going to do anything about it. I was so scared I was going to screw up my daughter so bad because I was so ignorant to all of this! The longer I do this though the more fun it really is!

So in the last month or so I have made our own fruit roll-ups (who knew you could do that), I made homemade chips, chicken nuggets, fruit smoothie snacks they can pull out and eat on their own, granola bars, granola, and so much more!

Today though is my favorite so far! I read somewhere that this mom doesn't like going and buying the kids yogurts cause of the waste and even how expensive they are. So she came up with a way of making them for her baby cause he loved the freedom they gave him (what a good mommy!). Well my daughter is the same way, though she used jelly's and my kids hate jelly for whatever reason. So I had to try it, I can make homemade yogurt snacks that are gluten free and cheaper right?? OMGoodness they are amazingly yummy! We took vanilla yogurt and whatever round bowls we had in the pantry and then added a blended strawberry/orange juice mixer and the girls LOVE it. The yogurt is already gluten free and the Orange Juice is too so we are all set. The kids can go in and get their own yogurts (with permission) and while they feel more independent I feel like super mom for at least a moment, until I screw up again in a few minutes cause well I am only human!

Why yes.... my son was born at home

and NO that doesn't mean it was just me and my husband hoping and praying that my husband figured out fast how to catch a baby. We had a midwife there, we had a back up plan just in case and we were smart about it. My husband did catch the baby but the midwife was standing by just in case he froze or whatever else could happen. My son was born Sept 11th of 2010 with no drugs, no interference, and my husband was there encouraging me, loving me and supporting me every step of the way. No it doesn't make me insane, no it doesn't make me uneducated, NOPE I really didn't put my life or the life of my child into any danger.

We will be doing it again!! I see a midwife every 3 weeks, she checks me and the little one inside me. My body doesn't need someone else to tell it what to do, women have been doing this for years! Please don't misunderstand me, this is what worked for me and my husband but it's not for everyone and I understand that. I had 2 babies in a hospital before I ever had one at home. I wont judge how you birthed your child, it's what you thought would be best and that's what matters, just don't judge me for how I birthed. This is what I think is best for me and my babies, my husband agrees!!

Being a mommy is hard enough, don't you think we should stop looking at each other judging every step of the way?? Your kid is healthy and so are mine, and even if they weren't it's not my place to say what happens in your house!!

Recipe's I have found so far....

Ok so really I just needed a place to put some recipes and I figured here is a great spot cause I can also share them with everyone.... HOW FUN!!!

http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/how_to_make_fruit_leather/
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alexandra-guarnaschelli/apple-chips-recipe/index.html
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Chocolate-Guinness-Goodness-234304
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/stovetop-granola/detail.aspx

That's what I have for now though I am sure I will have more later!!

cooking....

It's hard to go out to eat with my middle baby, ok she is 3 and will be 4 next month so not really a baby but she is still my baby. Not because she is a bad kid or throws a fit but because she is gluten free. We are going to be traveling soon though, so the best idea that I can come up with is to make as many gluten free snacks as I can to take along with us (not to mention with will save us a ton of money!). For today, I am going to try to make fruit roll-ups, though apparently it's really called fruit leather. I am going to research other snacks that I can make for her and see what's out there. Anyone have any ideas they want to share??

It's just one of those days....

It honestly is just one of those days where I am not sure why my heart is so down. It's not like anything has happened to make me this way so I am not sure what happened other then it's just happens to be my day. SO here is what I am going to end up doing, instead of letting this sour heart get to me I am going to open my bible up and read, pray and stay that way till A) the kids tell me I can't anymore or B) I am not longer in a sour mood!!

Here it goes!

"we can't take credit for our talents now can we?"

It's an amazing quote I think, though it's not really done yet "We can't take credit for our talents, now can we. It's how we use them that counts"

Good point but I want to take credit for the food that I have made so well and the amazing kids that I raised and lets not forget how well I put my life back together. OK OK FINE!! It's true, I am not that great of a cook but I do my best when it's for my kids or my husband. My kids are amazing inspite of everything I do for them and to them, MAN I swear if I screw up that job anymore I really will have to start saving for their therapy. The only reason my life needed putting back together is because I screwed it up to begin with!

It's amazing when you break things down how much we don't have. I was given the gift of making food, God blessed me beyond belief in that area. I can create foods I never thought I could, it's not something I did to earn it! My gift of AMAZING kids is beyond me, what could I have done right in this life to have deserved that. To be honest I can think of a million things I do wrong on a daily basis that would earn me the right to have God say "to bad sweetie" but he doesn't. He see's something in me worthy of giving me these 3 (almost 4 wait till November) amazing creatures who I love more then life itself. The last one.... yeah well I screwed my life up pretty badly! I did things I shouldn't, I was horrid, I did things I still can't believe sometimes I survived the things I did. God was gracious enough to love me through that, He and only He got me through.

So yeah, I have some talents (though i am not sure any of them are that amazing, I'm no Micheal Angelo) but I didn't give them to me. I didn't go through an isle of talents like an isle of clothes and pick them out, I was given them by someone who thought I was amazing enough to be given these things. Its hard to wrap my head around the idea sometimes, "Really if you even knew 20% of who I really was you wouldn't give these things to ME of all people"

For whatever reason that needed to get out of me, so now it's out and I want to add.... I love you, whoever you are that is reading this, but God loves you a million times more!!

UGH, yesterday...

ok so yesterday I didn't do as well as I had hoped but today is a new day and the ice cream got left out all night long anyways so now I really can't eat it lol I am making some gluten free applesauce oat breakfast bars as we speak so I am staring the morning off good at least! I have a cook book called the fat resistant diet, which is what my dr suggested to me when I had to take all processed/sugar and everything else out of my diet so I will start using that again in hopes it will help me.

TODAY I WILL DO IT!!

Sugar....

Today I am going to attempt a sugar free day (though I had a sandwhich from Subway set aside for lunch today so it's not going to be 100% sucessful). It forces me to cook more which I love and don't mind. It's something easier to start during the summer, with all the fresh fruits and things around it's amazing the things you can eat!!! Don't get me wrong, I am pregnant and need foods and things that when you buy them from the grocery store have sugars but I can learn to make them so they have very little. Plus not buying them from the store means that I don't get any preservatives, which is always healthier! So ladies if you have an recipes to share or any ideas I would love them! I will keep track of things on here, hopefully anyways. Though it's not about losing weight for me though, more so about getting healthier for my babies and getting them healthier too.

I will let ya know how well I do!!

father's day

So this morning was supposed to be my husband having father's day breakfast with his dad, he was in town since Weds and they had planned this weeks ago. Yesterday he found out that he wouldn't be able to do that since his dad's plans had changed and they were going to leave around 6:30 am instead of later. It was kinda hurt, he had worked hard to get someone else to cover that sift and was pretty upset over it (I would be too!) Though it's not his dad's fault, they were traveling with other people and he couldn't really hold everyone up on heading home it wouldn't be fair.

It's hard when things like this happen though, it's no one's fault but feelings are still hurt and your not sure what to do or where to turn. If it was me I would have flat out told my parents what had happened and that I was hurt, it would have been over and we would be all better. My husband though isn't sure what to do, but that's also because of the odd relationship he has had with his dad since he was little. I sit here and watch my husband fumble around with his emotions and it hurts me!! I know they are still figuring out how to be around eachother, and they aren't around each other enough to really know what to do with each other, but I can't help and I want to.

I am lost as to what I can do or say, kinda like watching my kids figure out friendships and all of those fun things, so I just sit there and watch. When he is ready, or more so when I think he is, I will give him a big hug and ask if he is ok. Right now isn't the time though, maybe tomorrow or the next day.

On the upside the kids and I made my husband some cupcakes topped with frosting and fondant. We wrote on it "Happy 1st Daddy's Day" and he loved. They made him cards and painted him pictures AND his Dad did bring him an AMAZING gift. He got a motorcycle that his dad completely refinished for him. You should have seen both of their faces light up when my husband saw it for the first time.... like kids on Christmas Day. All the kids have taken turns sitting on it and are excited to go for a ride!

Happy Fathers Day to my Papa Bear, Pops and especially my husband!! I love all 3 of you!!

new....

You know the stage in life when you need either a new hair cut or a new color to your hair.... YEP I am there. The new round tummy isn't helping me when it comes to feeling "beautiful" not that I think a new hair cut or color will help either but a change is needed! Well I can't dye my hair atm because of the pregnancy and I can't cut it cause I am still trying to grow out the bangs and all of that fun stuff but MAYBE I can just do my hair different and call it a day! Maybe I can just try something new like making a fondant cake for Fathers Day, yep I will try that one!!! I am not sure why every now and again woman feel the need to change their "look," but I am no exception. It's almost like I feel that if I change my look no one can see what really is going on under that new cool hair color, though that is crazy cause either way the face and the person inside is the same. So why does new hair color or new hair cut or whatever it is make us feel different?? I am not sure but while I make some fondant I am going to think about it!

and being an adult is fun again

It rained today and smelled sooo very good, I loved it! We were out running errands when it started though so by the time we got home it was muddy. I went in to take care of Tommy down and when I came back out the girls had mud from their ankles down. Anyone who knows Kalina knows that this was an an AMAZING thing for her to have done on her own. I loved it though, it was amazing to see my kids playing in mud hole. Not only were they playing but they were pretending to get stuck and dancing around in it. They had a blast!! Tommy and I went outside just to watch them, I brought out a high chair for him and fed him some food and we watched the girls dance in the rain and play in the mud! I swear it's hard to be an adult who care about anything but your kids when your playing in the mud and dancing in the rain, though Tommy didn't much like the rain part lol. If every day as an adult could be like that I could stay young forever!!

today I am going to....

I feel the need to write out my goals for today, as simple and crazy as they might be.....

today I am going to smile even when I don't want to
I will pray, even when I don't think I need to
I won't let someone else and their stupidity get to me until I can get my questions answered
I will look for the right person to answer my questions
and I will have fun with my kids, as much as humanly possible at least!

it's hard being an adult

As a woman, I am made to be social. I have a lot of people I hang out with but not a lot that I actually call friends, though I do to my kids cause how do you explain why else you are hanging out with someone? I want a friend, you know the kind you had back in HS that you could tell anything to, she would bring over a gallon of ice cream because you didn't make it into show choir either, and she understands with that one look..... I guess that's part of the military life, my friend who I used to do that with is all the way in Alabama and I am all the way in Colorado. I don't mind so much, I love being able to support my husband in everything he does and follow him, but we all have those moments when you just need your Best Female friend cause she gets it and your husband doesn't know why you are crying at the dirty dishes let alone what to do with you.


So this is to my amazing friend.... if she is reading this she knows who I am talking about!! I love you and miss you!!

insecure

I am so insecure sometimes. I have 3 kids, an amazing husband, I am pregnant again and have some major extra weight. I have some awesome friends and love my family so why am I so insecure? I sometimes think no one likes me, I think sometimes I am losing friends.... it's strange and I know it but not sure why.